Dear Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, John McCain & other Right-Wing Wackjobs…
(Sorry. That was from an earlier draft.)
To My Esteemed Conservative Fellow Travelers in Our Ongoing National Debate,
First, I’d like to take a moment to celebrate the triumphant re-election of President Barack Obama, the man who I believe represents the best answers to many of the ills which currently plague our great nation. Now, having shown himself to be a tactful leader, one whose attempts to reach across the aisle are sometimes infuriatingly well- established, President Obama is far too modest and politically saavy to express the sense of quiet elation that many of his supporters feel. So I will. (Pause for laughs.) In the words of the great Greek philosopher Androphenes…”neener neener neeener!”
But I kid my Right Wing brothers and sisters. Androphenes was Roman.
I’d like to congratulate you Right-Wingers. We on the Left may have scored a victory in the historic re-election of President Barack Obama, but you may have scored an even greater one. For years, people on the Left, Center and Moderate- Right sides of our political discourse have often wondered who Congressional Republicans really represent. In the minds of many, you’ve weighed in on “real-world” issues like corporate welfare, pork- barrel spending, and entitlements like Defense. You’ve stuck your ideological fingers into issues like Social Security and a woman’s right to declare her private parts a Political No-Finger Zone. In past elections, many Americans have expressed confusion when, after voting for Republicans who campaigned on Draconian spending cuts in the primaries, those same conservatives quickly racked up National Debts that made Ann Coulter sound mentally competent. Alas…confusion reigned. But after the last election I can honestly say, and without fear of contradiction from sane people, that that confusion is gone: We the People of the United States of America…know who Republicans represent.
Your choice for your Presidential candidate in the last election gave us ample, terrifying and mostly hilarious proof of where you folks stand on issues that matter most…to the richest people in the world.
(Can we talk about Mitt Romney for a minute. I mean…MITT ROMNEY? If you go to Wikipedia and look up “Socially awkward corporate Ken Doll,” you’ll get a picture of Prince Charles holding up a picture of Mitt Romney. And laughing. And so… congratulations, Right -Wingers. With your terrifying policies and delusional grasp of real-life issues… you’ve proven more progressive than the ACLU: By scaring the Hell out of rational middle-and working class Americans, you’ve moved the nation toward a more progressive future.
Now, like many of my friends on the Left, I was confident that triumphantly re-elected President Barack Obama would handily win the last election. Indeed, many of us were comfortable in our assumptions that the President would clean Mitt Romney’s clock. Political savant Nate Silver said so. Las Vegas odds-makers said so. Even my crazy Aunt Kee-Kee, political analyst, neighborhood psychic and professional catlady, said, “Obama would have to take a dump on the White House steps to lose to Rombley.” No one believed in a million years that could happen. Then that second debate happened. And while I wouldn’t describe the President’s performance as “taking a dump,” it definitely had every Democrat in the nation scrambling to their restrooms to check their underwear. Then… Governor Romney got a higher than anticipated “bounce’ in the polls, while, at the same time, the President’s approval ratings seemed to dip. To his many critics, the President seemed… distracted. Go figure. Right Wingers grinned, crowing that the nation had passed a “referendum” on the President’s leadership, and began forecasting that Governor Rombley would win. By the time Election Night rolled around, Democrats were as scared as a newly- avowed lesbian at a Texas Anti-Woman Rally. Against a political backdrop delineated by “legitimate rape” statements, wacky religious theories and Donald Trump’s claims that Mister Obama had apparently been born on one of Saturn’s moons, the President who rescued the auto industry, revitalized Healthcare and reversed the greatest recession since the Great Depression… seemed to be faltering in the polls. People were more frightened than a drugged Paul Ryan at the National Gay Satanists Convention.
And speaking of conventions: the Republican National Convention offered yet another boost to our Great Debate, as demonstrated by Mister Clint Eastwood. Eastwood, former Mayor, Academy Award- winning actor and filmmaker, brilliantly illustrated current thinking among prominent Conservatives. His dynamic interrogation of our nation’s “Commander in Chair” electrified the planet. And Conservatives and Liberals everywhere uttered a collective… “What?!?!” This was Eastwood, for God’s sake, an artist who draws his inspiration from great filmmakers like Sergio Leone, Alfred Hitchcock and that crazy old coot next door who shoots Mexican gardeners to keep them off his lawn.
(Seriously, though, I kid Mister Eastwood. In the hope that someday, in the spirit of bipartisanship and shared civic responsibility… he’ll put me in one of his movies.)
In short, Right-Wingers, your secret plan to help move our country…worked: People Left of Genghis Khan began to dread Election Night, terrified that on November 7th 2012 they’d wake up in a world where the 99 Percent were irrelevant, the rich held the power of life and death and multinational Corporations could kick down your door, declare war on your dog and bitch-slap your God-given right to watch Honey Boo-Boo. (Can we talk about the Romney/Ryan Ticket for a moment? I’ve seen Klan meetings with more diversity. What nation were they supposed to represent? Sweden circa 1955? Any “American resurgence” led by Rombley & Ryan looked like privatized breadlines and permanent Jim Crow for everybody else.) Oh yes. Progressives were afraid. We were very afraid.
But… Obama won. Not only did Barack Obama win re-election, he did it quickly. I had barely talked my wife down off the roof when Wolf Blitzer called Ohio. And by the time Karl Rove gave live birth on Fox News, I was drunk, naked and cancelling our one -way tickets to Canada: For the second time in four years, I went to bed with the rock-solid certainty that the Nation had done the right thing: We re-elected the best man for the job.
That’s due in large part to you, Right- Wingers. Governor Rombley could have remained quiet about his views of the 47 percent, the Dream Act, his love for firing people who don’t hold secret Swiss bank accounts. Paul Ryan could have chosen not to look at Joe Biden the way he looks at a crazy uncle who lovingly empties his chamberpot all over the Chinese Ambassador. Republicans could have chosen candidates with serious alternatives to offer the electorate, thereby enriching the depth and breadth of the national debate. But you chose the way you chose. And we, the People who make up the 99 Percent of the voters you pissed off, will be forever in your debt.
As the President has said…WE, the People…did it. We got out the vote. We the People…have spoken. But we know there’s more to come, Conservatives: The recent Fiscal Cliff and Debt Ceiling negotiations have amply demonstrated that Congressional Republicans have got more tricks up their sleeves. You’ve proven time and again that YOUR Washington serves more as a kind of Lovers Lane for the super rich: A place where, like Denver Airport in the Spring, Congressional Republicans and Big Business CEO’s cruise the bathrooms looking for love in all the wrong places.
In the meantime, we’ve got a fighting chance at a strengthening economy for middle and working class families; a President who supports Marriage Equality, and a woman’s right to decide her reproductive destiny. We’ve got a President who can proudly declare (out loud), our nation’s moral obligation to protect a woman’s right to earn the same dollar for the same work done by her alcoholic male co-workers. And, Right-Wingers, I would say to you…keep it up. Keep sifting through your binders, hoping for women who’ll roll over for the kinds of policies you promote. Keep fighting to make hardworking Americans “self- deport” to their nearest privatized mental health co-ops. Keep working to drag the Nation backward into a future nearly identical to the past.
Keep showing us the ways not to go.
Michael Boatman February 7, 2013.